It’s been a while my friends, and you would think after such a long silence there would be some news…
But, to quote John Oliver: THERE CAN BE NO NEWS! WORLD CUP! WORLD CUP!
Unlike the World Series, which doesn’t actually include, well, the world, the World Cup is truly bringing the nations of Earth together. And after the US won their first game, even ‘Murica is finally joining in. Whoo!
So, Monday-no-More is going to feature its first World Cup edition: coming to you every four years! Don’t miss it!
First, brief personal opinions from an amateur fan:
- - Portugal: My favorite team, because when they are good, they are Europe’s answer to Brazil, and win or lose, they’re entertaining to watch (even if it's for their Latin tempers). And also: Cristiano Ronaldo (look, haters: he’s the Ballon d’Or winner, he’s the Champions League’s and La Liga’s top goal scorer, he’s entertaining to watch, and yeah, he’s damn good-looking. Get over it; love the game). Hopefully they’ll pull through the Group-of-16 and get to show their flair.
- - Germany: always consistent, always top-of-their-game, and always very dangerous. They have such a good mix of the old guard and new rising stars.
- - Netherlands: I’ve warmed up to Robin Van Persie ever since he switched from Arse-nal - oh, I mean, Arsenal - to Manchester United. And that beautiful goal (see below). Also, now that they aren’t wearing flaming, eye-piercing orange, I’m inclined to like them better. At least now I can look at them and see their beautiful plays without requiring shades.
- - England: Oh, England, you bastion of former footballing greatness, I really do weep in my heart for your inevitable knockout.
- - USA: I know I should love you, especially now that I’m a citizen, but…look: speed up your game, make it smoother and more beautiful, and I’ll learn to love you. But watching you guys clomp gracelessly around the pitch: I can’t, for now. That win over Ghana was enjoyable, but it was very lucky and very ugly and very undeserved. This criticism does, however, exclude Tim Howard, brick wall extraordinaire. But the US, playing like this, does not deserve to advance.
- - Spain: I still resent your knocking out Portugal on penalties in 2010. And David Villa’s stupid smirking face. And your perfect passing but incredibly passive style of play. I very much enjoyed your whupping by the Dutch. Yes, I’m acting like a petulant child. But I’m allowed to resent good teams - it’s the World Cup!
- - Argentina: It’ll be interesting to see how Messi fares, and whether Argentina will truly learn to love him.
- - Brazil: Let’s see how well they dance after the knockout stages, and how well young Neymar and his fabulously spiky hair holds up in the humidity of his first grown-up World Cup. Like most people, I think it’s Brazil’s World Cup to lose.
Also, what is with everyone Zidane-ing it up? Diego Costa, Pepe. Of all the great things Zizou has done, his infamous headbutt is not something footballers should be imitating.
Now: World Cup coverage FOR ONE AND ALL!
For: Culture Vultures who don’t actually like soccer, but want to be in the know
It is what it says: bare details, gossipy facts. For deeper digging, please consult…
For: Beginners
- NY Post, BBC, WSJ, the Gothamist, and GQ’s Guides to the World Cup
Congratulations! You have decided to enter into the loving and enfolding arms of the world’s greatest sport (and/or religion?). Welcome!
For basic basics: God help me for posting something from the NY Post, but here it is. The basics about soccer, and no more. A Simple Guide to Soccer for the World Cup
The British know their football: the Premier League is probably the best in the world. And as a result, their detailed guided are fantastic. Explore the squads, pick your team (if you haven’t already), sound like you know what you’re watching!
If you prefer an American perspective, try the Wall Street Journal’s colorful World Cup website and this entry-level guide, or this truly excellent Gothamist guide.
And if you find that you’re liking soccer, consult this fantastic guide. (Why do guys get the all the good magazines with the great writing and photos?)
For: Fans of o jogo bonita:
- RVP’s beautiful header
If you haven’t seen it, watch it right now. This may be The Goal of the World Cup, so great, they turned it into a flipbook AND a gif. The Flying Dutchman, truly.
For: Fans of the ugly aspects of the game and/or jeerers:
At the opposite end of the spectrum, who will win the Oscars of diving and play-acting during the World Cup? Follow these amusing posts at Slate's soccer blog The Spot, and try not to lose your eyeballs while rolling your eyes too hard.
For: intermediate/advanced fans, England fans, or John Oliver fans
There’s nothing like hearing two Englishmen (or, one Englishman and one naturalized former Englishman) expound on the pleasures and pains of the world’s sport - especially if these Englishmen are John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman. They’ll be following the World Cup like no other, so get ready to listen weekly to this podcast.
This is mostly for intermediate and advanced fans because if you don’t really know football, the jokes might go over your head and/or confuse you as to the actual culture and the sport. But if you are a fan, and particularly an England fan, you’ll really enjoy the critical snark about the scandal-fraught 2022 Qatar World Cup, conjecture about the trophy design, and plenty of typical stiff-upper-lip jesting of their greatly fallen national team (English sarcasm, which in fact conceals a tender British ego and a broken Union Jack heart).
Or as Oliver puts it, “World Cup, nature’s anesthetic. Nothing’s going to hurt for the next few weeks, until England gets knocked out and it’s over, and then everything will be pain, pain everywhere.”
Also, because there’s never enough John Oliver: an epic FIFA rant for beginner and advanced fans alike.
For: Math nerds and/or people with a yen for risk and reward
These are probably the only soccer rankings I’ve agreed with so far. For instance, from the perspective of Portugal’s chances, they are seeded as number 3 in FIFA rankings, but given only a 0.9% chance of winning the World Cup (barely greater than Belgium, and less than England!), neither of which seems correct. It’ll certainly be interesting to see how Nate Silver and his team fare in their predictions when switching from politics to sports, which is more of a combination of skill and chance.
Nerds will love analyzing each changing decimal place in the outstanding interactive World Cup ranking table; gamblers can place their bets using the precise percentage-odds
For: Those stuck at work, or those who are in Philadelphia, and like me, can’t get into Fadò:
- WatchESPN and WSJ advice
Thank God for ESPN, at least for the round of 16. Otherwise, check out this WSJ guide of legal options.
Getting out of actually working, however, is on you.
HAPPY WORLD CUP!
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